Post by Mr. Pitch on Nov 7, 2014 5:10:26 GMT -7
I must have a warped sense of humor, I think this is funny!!!
Grandma's Thanksgiving Invitation (Priceless)
Dear Family,
I'm not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my
Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being
with me for my favorite holiday. Dinner is at 2:00. Not 2:15. Not 2:05.
Two. Arrive late and you get what's left over.
Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those
contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the
only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of
peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.
Robert, your last new wife was an idiot. You don't arrive at someone's
house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God,
I thought you might have learned after two wives - date them longer and
save us all the agony of another divorce.
Now, the house rules are slightly different this year because I have
decided that 47% of you don't know how to take care of nice things. Paper
plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I'll be gone
soon and that will be your problem to deal with.
House Rules:
1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M. The television
stays off during the meal.
2. The "no cans for kids" rule still exists. We are using 2-liter bottles
because your children still open a third can before finishing the first
two. Parents can fill a child's cup when it is empty. All of the cups have
names on them and I'll be paying close attention to refills.
3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy's house and I looked the other way
when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the
front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save
yourself some time, honey. You've never been a good cook and you shouldn't
bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.
4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of
life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat
whatever they like as long as they finish it.
5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That's nothing new. Your being a
vegetarian doesn't change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg
salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease
in it. That's why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural.
And as far as being healthy... look at me. I've outlived almost everyone I
know.
6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.
7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.
8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure
you can capture lots of memories without the camera being pointed at me.
9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the kids. I
have nice things and I don't put them away just because company is coming
over. Mary, watch your kids and I'll watch my things.
10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has
lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way
of letting me know that I have lived too many lives, too. I can live with
that. Can you?
11. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat: "You don't need
to bring anything" means you don't need to bring anything. And if I did tell
you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this
doesn't have to be difficult.
12. Dominoes and cards are better than anything that requires a battery
or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it's true now
that you have kids.
13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not
showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.
In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer.
Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from each family
needs to be the designated driver.
I really mean all of the above.
Love You,
Grandma
